Stuckness

I've been struggling a lot so far this year. I feel stuck professionally but also personally because a lot of my identity has been wrapped up in computers for the past 20 years. It has less to do with where I am than not knowing where I want to go. In addition, I struggle to appreciate my work as a manager and then lack motivation to program or be creative in my off hours. The proliferation of LLMs doesn't help.

Honestly, part of the problem is I don't believe I was a good programmer anymore. I was never interested in output. I was interested in "pretty" code more than building complex systems. I was more excited by craft than function. Hence several Nintendo emulators which were gradually better without ever reaching full playability. There are work analogs I could point to as well though I think I'm less bothered by that.

I don't think I can love myself for making software with an LLM. I struggled to love myself for making software without an LLM but at least I tried to come up with elegant solutions to things, as clear and simple as I could manage. When I go to the gym, I can appreciate the way I sweat. I can appreciate the effort because I feel it. I can be kind to myself because I am pushing myself. For me, whether LLMs can be steered to generate quality solutions or not is irrelevant. I want to experience difficulty firsthand.

I don't want to produce software. I'm really having to get honest about that. I just don't give a shit. I want to produce written explanations of how things work that I find clear and satisfying. Code is just a vehicle. Gerald Sussman always talked about that. About code being a new way to represent "How to" knowledge as opposed to the "What is" knowledge traditionally captured through mathematics.

Yet producing explanations was never what this business was about. But I was able to lie to myself and find a middle ground where I performed well and got paid for the byproduct of the thing I actually enjoyed. And once more I miss teaching. Because that's a setting where the point is understanding, being able to explain, not the solution.

Academia doesn't feel like the answer because most academic settings are driven by research output more than learning outcomes. Programming bootcamps were kind of perfect for me but it was hard to keep those businesses honest about their outcomes as well. I don't know if the model was ever sustainable. Maybe Community College would be a good fit. I don't know.

I miss being excited to talk about code. Not software. Not business. Code. The thing I miss isn't code specifically. It's the excitement of something difficult and new that I want to explore. I'll find my way back. It takes time.