posted on 2021-08-30 16:07
This has been an incredibly full and difficult year. Norma and I got vaccinated. Her mother had a serious and ongoing health crisis for several months. During that period, we both had unusually busy quarters at work. I applied for a promotion at the encouragement of both managers and peers and narrowly missed it. My product manager got hired away to be a CPO and several engineers left the product section I work in. As a result, the squad I started is being re-absorbed into the other squads in our product group. Management hopes to restart it at a later date. Finally, the long discussed garage renovation on our home is completed. Now it functions as a climate controlled office and synth dungeon.
At the end of all this, I'm deeply exhausted. I'm very thankful that lately I have been able to enjoy much more human contact thanks to being vaccinated. Seeing friends in person and giving them hugs goes a long, long way. I'm trying to get back in the groove on pursuing creative projects but it's very hard.
Lately I've been thinking about how if I don't choose to enjoy my days, then I am likely to stress myself out. Work can't make me happy, relationships can't make me happy. I care deeply about relationships and community but I have to choose to enjoy my own experience. I have to choose to validate who and where I am. I deserve to feel good. If I don't choose to let myself feel good, and pursue the things that excite me without judgement, then I will find a reason to be hard on myself or stress myself out.
I've been having to remind myself that neither money nor work nor relationships are inhibiting my ability to lead the life I want. It's all me at this point. I just have to start living more fearlessly and letting myself be me in the way that feels right. Damn the consequences. Something to keep working on. Step by step.
posted on 2013-09-16 10:23:00
You may have noticed it has been two months since I've done any serious hacking on my open source projects. That is no accident. It has been a little over 5 years since I decided that programming would be my future.
That decision worked out far better than I could have hoped. I find programming immensely rewarding and, for someone who has only been doing it for 5 years, I think I'm doing reasonably well. I have a steady job that I'm happy with and rewarding friends and hobbies.
But I'm tired. I'm stepping back and trying to take stock of how I use my time at a high level. I'm not micro-optimizing. I'm asking, for the first time in quite a while, how I want to divy up what free time I have and what my priorities are. I'm not sure when I'll come back to programming. I am sure that when I do, my focus and enjoyment of it will be improved. But there is so much I want to do besides code.
It's been a big year. I had two jobs before my present one. I briefly had a supercar. I started a new relationship for the first time since 2007. So perhaps it is no surprise that I haven't found as much time for hacking. That other forms of creation have fallen by the wayside a bit.
I miss the huge chunks of time I had in college. I want to both consume and create. To consume music, video games, MOOC courses, books I've been meaning to read for ages. To create code, mixtapes, music of my own, and who knows what else. But even though its hard to think of all that I get done versus all that I want to do and each weekend flies by like a screaming jet, I have to admit that things are going pretty well.
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