Switched Off

I'm at the beach for the first time in 9 years.

Specifically, Grayton Beach in a house my parents took me to every summer from 1991 to 2006 or so. It was maybe the most charmingly uncomplicated part of my childhood. Including this trip, I've only been twice in the last 20 years.

This return trip has reminded me how special this beach is to me because of how consistent and peaceful it was. I spend a lot of my life worrying about the future and trying to control things rather than enjoying them. As I'm beginning my 40s, I want to focus as much as possible on enjoying what I'm doing, not analyzing or gaming things out.

The cycling gym, Vibe Ride, that Norma and I attended 3-4 days a week the past 4 years closed its doors at the beginning of the month. That was a surprising and difficult loss. One of the things I'm happy about is that Norma and I threw a farewell party and had about two dozen people, friends and most of the coaches, to our home for cocktails and connection.

I like a lot of things about my job but I miss being more directly involved in technical work and I really miss being seen. Remote work has a lot of great qualities but there is only so much depth you can achieve connecting with people in virtual spaces on a professional level.

I also think a lot of what attracted me to software to begin with was open source. The notion that a group of people could come together and make something useful with the goal of finding and sharing a solution rather than profit was deeply appealing to me in college and still resonates now. Community over profit, durable knowledge over convenience. Isn't that where empowerment and autonomy comes from?

I need simple things. Food, sleep, movement, music, community. And some amount of novelty. I will probably never be less under threat, in medical or financial or professional contexts, than I am right now.

It is easy to not feel anxious or threatened here, and of course it is, with no need to work or deal with daily life. But the part of me that is different is how much easier I find it to do what I think will be fun and listen to my gut rather than attending a chorus of chores or shoulds.

I hope I can bring that home with me.